When U Pray

It’s May and that’s for Mother’s, here is the story of Natasha Jones, life without a mother on Mother’s day.

Mother’s Day Without A Mom 
Some know or will eventually know what its like to spend Mother’s Day without your mom. For those who haven’t experienced this yet, let me give you a little insight. 

Losing a mother in my opinion is one of the worst pains for anyone to know. It took me years to say “Mama such and such” to any of my friends’ mothers who had adopted me as their own because I felt like it was disrespectful to my own mother. For me, living without the person that knew me the best shattered my world. My mom was my bestfriend, my confidant, my cheerleader, my motivation, and most importantly my hero. I never thought the day would come that she would leave me, but it happened in an unexpected way. 

We had talked the entire week before she was to come visit me in college for homecoming. We laughed, joked and I planned to introduce her to all my friends that I had made and that she had heard so much about. Then on that Friday when I called her, she didn’t answer. I thought it was weird but nothing to worry about. I continued preparing my house, excited for her visit.

That Saturday came, no mom. She didn’t answer the phone, I was calling like crazy. Still no answer. My dad and his spouse had also come up for homecoming as well. I wanted to go back with them, but he convinced me to stay at school. So before he left I gave him my house keys to go check on my mom just in case she was in the hospital or something and no one had noticed me yet. I was now worried and praying that she was okay. I went to dinner with my friends for a few hours and we were now back at our house. When we were going into the house we noticed headlights pulling up behind up. I go in the house to try to call my mom again. Still no answer. My roommate called me from my room and said my dad was back. When he walked through our front door he had tears in his eyes and he said “baby she’s gone.”

Now I had lost my granny (my mom’s mother) four years prior to this, and I knew my mom was sick from Lupus. Nothing could’ve prepared me for those words my dad said to me. I remember letting out a scream & falling to the floor sobbing. As I’m writing this now through tears, it’s like reliving a nightmare. My whole heart was crushed with three words, “baby’s she’s gone.” All our conversation from the past week ran through my mind. Was God giving us one last time to talk to each other? Were we creating final memories together? But the biggest questions of them all was, “Why is this happening to me? Why did I have to lose my mommy?”

That saying that “God won’t give you more than you can bare”, well I would like to think that God thinks I can bare mountains, hurricanes, and avalanches. Losing my mom was by fare the worst day of my life. I don’t wish that kind of pain on anyone because it hurts you to your soul. 

My first Mother’s Day without my mom I cried the entire day. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, or be bothered. It hurt my feelings to see others be able to be with their moms. I was still asking the questions, why my mom of all moms? Why was this is happening to me? What did I do wrong do deserve this kind of pain? 

For three and half years I was in a severe depression. Many nights I prayed that God would take me so the pain would stop. I was angry, hurt, confused, lost, and still asking why me? Why my mom? Why can’t you bring her back to me God? Or send me to her! It was a hard road of denial, bad decisions, and darkness.

What made me finally start to come out my depression, my mom came to me in a dream. She had visited me before in my dreams, but this night was different. I was now home from school, and had been out with friends and was super drunk and barely made it home. I stumbled up the stairs and instead of going into my room I went in my mom’s room. I was again, laying in the bed praying and asking God to take me so I could get rid of the pain. I eventually passed out and went to sleep. 

My mom came to me in my dream and she was extremely upset with me. I remember this dream like it happened yesterday and it still gets me through when I’m feeling sad. She said, “I didn’t raise you be like this. And I didn’t raise you to waste your life away either. I need you to get yourself together and remember who I raised you to be. You are stronger than this.” 

I was crying trying to explain to her that I was lost without her, that the pain was too much. She hugged me and told me, ” I know how much you love me and I love you too, but you will get through this. You just remember to be the woman that I raised you to me.” 

I woke up from the dream in tears. I still wasn’t ready to let her go, and my heart was hurting from her absence. After I calmed myself down, I understood what she was saying to me. For once I realized that she wasn’t suffering anymore. In my dream she looked amazing and healthy. It hit me like a tone of bricks. She wasn’t sick anymore, no more doctors appointments, no more not feeling like herself, and no more hiding from me when she would be in the hospital. 

Yes, the selfish part of me wanted her here, and I still feel that way most days, but I had to remember what she said. She raised me be a woman of God and to represent what she’s instilled in me. I had to get myself together, and not only make her proud, but know that she was watching over me. From that day forward I have done everything in my power to make my mom proud. Even though I have had 21 Mother’s Days without my mom, the memories of our last conversations get me through the rough times. Remembering the strong woman that she was makes me proud to have had her as “my mother”.

God knew what he was doing when he placed us together. In losing her, I found a strength I never knew existed. Do I cry when I miss her? Yes! Do I think about her all the time? Yes! Do I wish I had one more day with her? Absolutely!!! But, I had understand that God’s plan wasn’t my plan and he took her for a reason, which was no more suffering. I can look back now and understand it, but in those three and half years of depression there was no rationale. 

Over the years as Mother’s Days have come and gone, I rely on pictures and memories to reminiscence on my time with my mother. Sometimes I’m happy, and I’ve been sad, but importantly I’ve been grateful to have experienced a love that still reaches me beyond the grave. So I encourage everyone to treasure your mother while you have her here because you only get one!

God bless you all! 💜